2 Weeks Until...

It is hard to believe.  November 15th, 2010 - when I was told that my church was eliminating the Youth Director position, and thus eliminating my job - I was told that I would have 90-days until the position would be finished.  At that time, 90-days seems like a fairly good amount of time to figure out what was next for me and my family and to head that direction - or at least have a plan in motion and know where we were headed.

Well, Today is January 30th, and I now have only 2 weeks left until my job is gone.  And not only did those first 76 days fly by very fast, but I have no clue what is next for me or my family.  And the truth is, it is terrifying!  I've found that ever since we returned from vacation on Jan. 7th that with each passing day I am getting more and more stressed, more and more anxiety ridden, finding it more and more difficult to rest in God (which I realize is a sin, not trusting in God completely - and then knowing that I am sinning and not trusting God seems to then stress me out even more).... do you see the horrible, vicious cycle?  Ironic, huh?

Well, now I am sitting here two weeks away.  And it isn't like I have spent the last 76 days just sitting around twiddling my thumbs hoping that something would fall out of the sky and into my lap.  I have sent out numerous resumes and applications.  I have thought outside of the box and have applied for jobs not only in youth ministry but also in social work, teaching, adjunct professor, data entry, administrative assistant, other ministry positions, and more.  And it is strange... I have prayed through all of it that God would give me (us) clear direction and answers to where he wants us next.  I have prayed that he would open doors clearly AND close doors clearly.  And yet, I have to admit that every time I get a letter saying something along the lines of "Thanks for applying.  You have much to offer, but you don't have the qualifications we are looking for.  God bless and good luck," I find myself struggling to say "Thank you God for the answered prayer of a clearly closed door!  And yet, I KNOW that is what it is - an answer to my prayer - God's protection for me and my family to not end up in a place that will be unhealthy, destructive, and/or miserable for us.  But if I am honest, I still struggle with it.  I still feel those pangs of rejection.  I still feel the worry of how I am going to provide for my family.  I still feel the anxiety of when God will answer my prayers with an open door instead of closed ones.

And so I come back to the realization of only 2 weeks left.  There is a lot to do to "wrap up" at the job, including getting all of my office packed up and moved out.  That alone is quite the job as I have a kajillion books and resources (I bet you didn't know that "kajillion" was a word - but if you saw all the books and resources in my office then you would know the definition of "kajillion").  And at the same time we are having to pack our house and move furniture out to storage and boxes out to storage because our house goes on the market for sale on Feb. 15th.  Where are we moving to?  Your guess is as good as mine at this point.  However, everything my wife and I have been going through and feeling as we have talked about what is next seems to be pointing to us moving.  And since it can take a long time to sell a house, we have decided to take the advice of some friends (and our realtor) and get the house ready and on the market now.  However, I admit, that adds to the anxiousness of when God will answer our prayers with the open door.  

And, then there are other challenges that are added to this right now.  Like:  
1) I am having a pretty severe gout attack that started on Friday, Jan. 28th.  It is SO incredibly painful and limits what I can do - which is not good right now since there is a TON of stuff to get done.
2) My birthday is in 4 days - but I'm having a hard time even getting excited about that with all of the stuff that has to get done, my dumb gout attack, and pending unemployment.
3) There are additional things going on at the church that have added to the challenges of my leaving.

It just seems like so much.  I will say this.... I PRAISE GOD for my wife!!!!  She is amazing.  She has been such a huge support - showing incredible love, prayer, encouragement, faithfulness, steadfastness, patience, supportiveness, and strength through all of this.  I am so blessed to have her by my side.  I cannot even begin to imagine how much more difficult this would be to go through if I had to go through it without her.  And yet, I know that she too is grieving about all of this and is a worried as well for what the future holds for us... and is also anxious for God to reveal that open door.  And even through all she is dealing with, she finds the strength to lift me up.  She is a blessing beyond words.

So my prayer continues!  "God, please clearly open the doors you want us to walk through, and close the ones that you don't have for us.  But, Lord, it would be really, really nice if you could at least give me some sense of direction.  I don't even know what direction I should face anymore.  And Lord, help me to trust you.  I can't do it on my own strength - as much as I want, I find that I keep trying to take control or spend every minute worrying about it.  So, Lord, help me to trust you more.  And, Lord, please provide for me and my family - in the way that you know is best and is what we need.  AMEN"

I confess... these words are much easier to say than they are to live by!  I will continue trying, however.  I am not giving up.  I am taking time each day to apply for jobs, to put myself out there, to think outside of the box, to consider new ideas and possibilities, and to try to focus on just keeping on keeping on!  I have no clue where the journey will end... but when I find out, I promise I will share it here!

2 weeks!  14 days!  336 Hours!  20,160 Minutes!  Here I am Lord... I'm ready for your open door!

(P.S.  If any of you have any doors that are open that God might be leading me to... please don't hesitate to let me know about them.  Thanks!)

Comments

[Jesse Fullen]

Hey Ryan. Two weeks is too close. Its wild how much our lives reflect each other. I'm moving back to houston with my family this week. My wife gave me some clearance to drive to the new brans. area if you're still stressing out in about 8 days and need help packing the office. Fb me let me know. I'll be praying for you. I know of two umc churches in Houston...but that might be too far for the adoption stuff.

[Seedspreader]

You know I have gout also. My attacks are pretty infrequent now days, but can still come on. I know how debilitating it can be. I'm praying for you guys.

Lord, open doors!

[ScottR]

Wow, that was gut wrenching. Thanks for your honesty. We can all learn a lot from the way you and your wife are going through this.

I pray God will give you a new ministry very soon.

[Pastormichaelspeaks.blogspot.com]

Hey, Ryan! Enjoyed meeting you and hearing your input as one of the panelists at SYMC in Chicago. Any update to your situation, Bro?

Michael Denton

[Brian Henderer]

Ryan,
Sorry to hear about this. I remember from our cohort your creativity, passion for your church and the kids, and energy you give to learning and serving adolescents. We'll keep you in our prayers.